When I was 18, my girlfriend broke up with me—for seemingly no reason. Exactly like the girl I dated for two years in high school. Although two isn’t a very big sample size, and it could’ve easily been bad luck or shit girlfriends, it made me wonder what I was doing wrong (and what I was doing right).
A few weeks after the second break up, I stumbled upon the book The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss. The book is about Neil’s journey from journalist to expert seducer. The book blew me away.
Neil’s book sent me down a rabbit hole for an entire year. I listened to as many audiobooks on the subject as I could find. From Robert Greene’s classic The Art Of Seduction to poorly written books by PUA’s (Pickup Artists) like The Mystery Method by Erik Von Markovik and The Natural by Richard La Ruina. On my breaks at work I would watch countless hours of video of pickup artist conventions and guys doing cold approaches (approaching complete strangers with the intention of getting a number or a date for example).
I found the talks these guys gave extremely interesting and diverse. One speaker would talk about the importance of style while another would talk about sexual selection through the lens of evolutionary biology. Some would focus on self development while others stuck to “routines” and reusable lines and actions.
There was an entire online community full of pickup artists, aspiring pickup artists, and awkward guys who had no idea how to interact with women. It was a strange community to say the least. There was a pretty large amount of bitter misogynistic guys as you’d expect, but at the same time there was a lot of men who were looking to better themselves, to become someone who a beautiful woman would choose to marry and have kids with.
I didn’t do much cold approaching and I didn’t go out much. To be honest, I did less than 10 cold approaches that year and the only one that stands out will sound like a bullshit story—so I will omit it. Despite my lack of time in the field, I still learned some valuable lessons.
The following is some pragmatic advice, concepts, and ideas that I learned from PUA’s.
Know The Rules
In order to play a game well, it is important to know the rules. Creating a rocket is a lot easier when you know about physics and engineering, just like becoming attractive to the opposite sex becomes a lot easier when you know what the opposite sex finds attractive.
Before learning about pickup artist culture, I never even thought about attraction. I just assumed that a girl would come along and be attracted to me as I was. I would get lucky—and I did get lucky a few times up to that point. But replicating luck is a fools game.
If there’s something that you want, you must spend time learning about how to get it. Study what has worked for other people and what hasn’t. Dissect what has worked for you in the past. Know the rules.
Playing The Hand You Were Dealt
Most guys don’t look like Brad Pitt. You probably weren’t given a pair of aces at birth. Maybe you’re too short, have messed up teeth, and are naturally awkward. Maybe you are balding, have to wear glasses, and have a lisp.
The pickup artist community does a good job of showing that despite your shitty genetics, there are things you can do to improve your chances of success. You can improve your style, your physique, and most importantly your character. Even with the more superficial things like balding and glasses. Go completely bald. Get contacts. Or find out how to own your flaws.
You can complain about the hand you were dealt all you want, but it won’t change your cards. All you can do is play them to the best of your ability and trust me when I say, you aren’t playing them the best you can right now. You can always do better.
“You’re not everything you could be, and you know it.” -Jordan Peterson
A Fuck Ton of Fish
Like I said before, a large number of people in the pickup industry hold some pretty misogynistic views and they see women as objects and numbers. The more women they sleep with the better in their minds.
While I don’t see the utility in fuck-ton of casual sex (pun intended), there is something to be gained from a more detached view of women.
Pickup artists see things in numbers. The most important number can be summed up in that Wayne Gretzky quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. There’s a big chance that girl will reject you if you go up and talk to her but your chances of getting a date without talking to her are zero. The more women you talk to, the higher your chances of getting a date. Most dates you go on won’t lead to anything but the more you go on, the higher your chances. Etcetera.
Seeing women as numbers is a bad way to see the world and a good way to have poor relationships with women. But having an abundance mindset will put things into perspective when it comes to things like breakups and rejection.
People Don’t Always Want What They Say
People don’t necessarily want what they say they want. Every guy has heard girls say that they want a nice guy, yet to nice guys it seems as if women always end up with douchebags.
If you look at something like women’s erotica novels you notice a trend. The male hero is never a nice guy—but he also isn’t a “douchebag”. He is almost always successful (a doctor or a millionaire), is handsome and masculine (think Fabio), and has a dark side that she wishes to tame (werewolves and vampires).
I don’t think women are lying about what they want. Instead, I think humans are complicated and we have a hard time understanding ourselves, and an even harder time articulating ourselves to others. Also, it seems as if there is a war going on between what we want all the time. In a culture of bashing “toxic masculinity” there is the hugely successful BDSM book Fifty Shades of Grey.
Pickup artists are often bullshit artists first and foremost. they are a prime example that people don’t always want what they say they want.
It always sounds silly to say, but that year of studying pickup and “game” had a huge impact on the last five years of my life. For the above mentioned reasons as well as a ton of others, I recommend that all young men explore the world of pickup artists, seducers, and Cassanovas. Just make sure to discard the bullshit and deleterious worldviews that come along with it.
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